i have a heavy heart. tonight i listened to fifty or sixty people sing songs to praise Jesus and proclaim that He is king and the light of the world. it was wonderful and moving and heartbreaking. heartbreaking because that feeling felt fresh. and that freshness hurts. this love that i found in Jesus so long ago isn't new. and it kills me to realize that and understand if i'm not following God, i'm turning away from Him. that is an awful truth.
but it's also beautiful. and reassuring. because when i make a U-turn, i'll be facing God. facing Him. wow, that's so heavy to even type. i am looking in the direction of my Father.
God doesn't simply reveal Himself to us, He reveals who we really are. what we are inside ourselves and in our souls. what no one else knows, even you. tonight i found God revealing His strength and my weakness. completely humbling and scary and wonderful and exciting.
i love not knowing and being confused.
i think searching for truth gives life meaning.
He is the truth.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
does God exist?
no, i'm not asking this question. my philisophy textbook is. and i don't know what to say. other than, "yes".
i feel like such a fool. i love God with my whole heart and i don't know how to argue his existence. not without sounding four years old. we're going to have a debate on this topic in class i'm sure, and the professor is going to look at me and ask my opinion. i wish i could say that i could lay down a terrific and moving argument like C.S. Lewis or my brilliant friends (i.e.: Nathan, Joey, Truman, Kai..). they wouldn't look stupid in front of the class. but i think i would. this upsets me.
so i have a new goal. one that i should have been working on a lot harder since i became a christian.
i am going to be able to explain and argue why i believe in God.
i think it's a good goal. and i'm really hoping that the few of you who read this blog won't judge me too harshly for not being able to do this now. i feel awful. i guess for a long time, i thought saying I love God was enough.
but i don't think it is. i mean, yes it's a start. but isn't it time for me to leap from the starting line and begin the race? i think so.
wish me luck.
i feel like such a fool. i love God with my whole heart and i don't know how to argue his existence. not without sounding four years old. we're going to have a debate on this topic in class i'm sure, and the professor is going to look at me and ask my opinion. i wish i could say that i could lay down a terrific and moving argument like C.S. Lewis or my brilliant friends (i.e.: Nathan, Joey, Truman, Kai..). they wouldn't look stupid in front of the class. but i think i would. this upsets me.
so i have a new goal. one that i should have been working on a lot harder since i became a christian.
i am going to be able to explain and argue why i believe in God.
i think it's a good goal. and i'm really hoping that the few of you who read this blog won't judge me too harshly for not being able to do this now. i feel awful. i guess for a long time, i thought saying I love God was enough.
but i don't think it is. i mean, yes it's a start. but isn't it time for me to leap from the starting line and begin the race? i think so.
wish me luck.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
man oh man i have so much to share.
i started chaLEAN EXTREME three days ago. the cooler, leaner, less insane version of p90x. i am pretty sure it is going to mark an entirely new chapter in my life. i'm doing the workout with ricky and matthew. my favorites. and them being there helps me know that this program may actually work.
because i'm not alone.
last time i tried to lose weight, i was successful for a month and lost five pounds. which was great. but i had no one to share my pains with, or my temptations, or even my joys of working out. people would tell me it was really cool what i was doing, but that was it. they didnt really get it.
but now the three of us are in this together. working hard. pushing ourselves. stretching and growing. i think it's beautiful.
along with the workout, we have vowed to eat healthy for these 90 days. which will be the foundation of our healthier lifestyles. it is going to be tough, no doubt. but right now i am genuinely excited. matt and i went shopping at Henry's Fresh Food Market. it was so cool! we bought lots of delicious vegetables and chocolate soy milk and chicken to cook. so far, it has all tasted amazing. and the best part is that i feel good.
that is all i will say about the workout for now, but i promise to keep you posted. i'll be too excited not to share results.
i am so looking forward to Big Sur for summer camp. i've been there once before a couple years ago for an hour or so, and it was breath-taking. and this time i get to share with a ton of beautiful students that want to learn more about God. freakin rad. i am praying for guidance and an open mind and an even more open heart. everyday i'm realizing more and more how important my job is as a youth leader. i have their spiritual lives in my hands, and i really REALLY don't want to let them down. or let God down. that would suck.
which also leads me to share that i'm falling deeper in love with God everytime i breathe. He is in everything that i do and say and look at and watch and it just freaks me out how awesome He is. i've been listening to the Fish radio station a lot lately. which i previously have secretly judged. but it turns out that it's really rad. you get to sing about how great God is while you're driving. two things i am a huge fan of! i don't like every song that they play and some don't speak to me at all (a lot like country radio stations). but the ones that i do enjoy, they really hit me. they speak to me. and i'm not even at church. or youth group. i'm just alone. praising God. in my car. yes.
"Constantly practice the habit of inwardly gazing upon God. You know that something inside your heart sees God. Even when you are compelled to withdraw your conscious attention in order to engage in earthly affairs, there is within you a secret communion always going on."
-A.W. Tozer
i'm coming to find he was a brilliant man.
i started chaLEAN EXTREME three days ago. the cooler, leaner, less insane version of p90x. i am pretty sure it is going to mark an entirely new chapter in my life. i'm doing the workout with ricky and matthew. my favorites. and them being there helps me know that this program may actually work.
because i'm not alone.
last time i tried to lose weight, i was successful for a month and lost five pounds. which was great. but i had no one to share my pains with, or my temptations, or even my joys of working out. people would tell me it was really cool what i was doing, but that was it. they didnt really get it.
but now the three of us are in this together. working hard. pushing ourselves. stretching and growing. i think it's beautiful.
along with the workout, we have vowed to eat healthy for these 90 days. which will be the foundation of our healthier lifestyles. it is going to be tough, no doubt. but right now i am genuinely excited. matt and i went shopping at Henry's Fresh Food Market. it was so cool! we bought lots of delicious vegetables and chocolate soy milk and chicken to cook. so far, it has all tasted amazing. and the best part is that i feel good.
that is all i will say about the workout for now, but i promise to keep you posted. i'll be too excited not to share results.
i am so looking forward to Big Sur for summer camp. i've been there once before a couple years ago for an hour or so, and it was breath-taking. and this time i get to share with a ton of beautiful students that want to learn more about God. freakin rad. i am praying for guidance and an open mind and an even more open heart. everyday i'm realizing more and more how important my job is as a youth leader. i have their spiritual lives in my hands, and i really REALLY don't want to let them down. or let God down. that would suck.
which also leads me to share that i'm falling deeper in love with God everytime i breathe. He is in everything that i do and say and look at and watch and it just freaks me out how awesome He is. i've been listening to the Fish radio station a lot lately. which i previously have secretly judged. but it turns out that it's really rad. you get to sing about how great God is while you're driving. two things i am a huge fan of! i don't like every song that they play and some don't speak to me at all (a lot like country radio stations). but the ones that i do enjoy, they really hit me. they speak to me. and i'm not even at church. or youth group. i'm just alone. praising God. in my car. yes.
"Constantly practice the habit of inwardly gazing upon God. You know that something inside your heart sees God. Even when you are compelled to withdraw your conscious attention in order to engage in earthly affairs, there is within you a secret communion always going on."
-A.W. Tozer
i'm coming to find he was a brilliant man.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
decisions.
i think being indecisive is the absolute worst feeling to have.
ever.
i'll probably feel different later on in my life.
but right now, the absolute worst feeling i have is indecisiveness.
it makes me want to scream.
LOUD.
and the saddest part about feeling indecisive is that you are taking God's job from Him. you are telling him, HEY! Lord! Creator of the universe! I don't trust you, so i'm going to try and decide everything in my life on my own, and inevitably fail miserably.
what is that? i don't know.
but even in all of this, i have hope.
i have hope that i am going to learn from feeling this way.
and i have faith that God is working in my life.
slowly but surely, i will find the right path and move forward.
i may feel indecisive and totally lost, but my faith burns bright inside me.
and that part is pretty cool.
ever.
i'll probably feel different later on in my life.
but right now, the absolute worst feeling i have is indecisiveness.
it makes me want to scream.
LOUD.
and the saddest part about feeling indecisive is that you are taking God's job from Him. you are telling him, HEY! Lord! Creator of the universe! I don't trust you, so i'm going to try and decide everything in my life on my own, and inevitably fail miserably.
what is that? i don't know.
but even in all of this, i have hope.
i have hope that i am going to learn from feeling this way.
and i have faith that God is working in my life.
slowly but surely, i will find the right path and move forward.
i may feel indecisive and totally lost, but my faith burns bright inside me.
and that part is pretty cool.
Monday, June 8, 2009
warning: LONG blog
i am still so happy to be home.
you know that feeling you get when you walk into your house for the first time after a long trip? that feeling as you plop down on your bed and take a deep breath to take in the familiar scents and sounds you take for granted any other day..i still have that feeling. and its been ten days since i have returned. needless to say, it was a long trip.
but it was great. i learned a lot. i experienced a lot. and i laughed a lot. (big surprise).
the trip consisted of eight days.
26th: flew in to Missouri, stayed til the 28th for my cousins military graduation
29th: flew to Tennessee, stayed til the 2nd to visit my friend Brett and his married best friends (Joe & Megan) in Kentucky.
five planes in a week. a lot of transferring. a lot of peanuts. a lot of reading. a lot of ipod. and a lot of beauty in the clouds while flying 30,000 feet above reality.
M I S S O U R I
my aunt pat feeling overjoyed from seeing her grandson after six months.
the arch it st.louis! it's so tall. like 630 feet.
the view is spectacular from the top, but the ride to the top is super shady.
it's a little cart enclosed by concrete walls sliding up an arc..scary.
my grandma and i being cute in st.louis.
this little boy that sat in front of me during my cousin's ceremony. i'm creepy and take pictures of cute little kids.
NAIDA. this amazing lady drove an hour from her house in missouri to
come have dinner with me by my hotel. we had a lovely dinner at the
cracker barrel (SO southern by the way).
my grandma and her sister getting pretty toasted off of their margaritas on our last night in missouri. OH AND SIDE NOTE: las palmas (where this picture was taken) is the greatest mexican food place. possibly of all time. and i don't even like mexican food that much. so good.
T E N N E S S E E
brett and myself in a field down the road from joe & megan's house.
we woke up at sunrise to so i could take pictures :)
i liked this one.
me being awkward.
megan and joe being in love.
megan and i getting ready to club it up in Nashville.
SO much fun.
what i learned:
the south is super cheap.
southern accents are darling. and i secretly wish that i had one.
i have no interest in living in a house that is 30 miles from a store.
and it feels really awesome to be loved by people you just met.
thanks for reading.
you know that feeling you get when you walk into your house for the first time after a long trip? that feeling as you plop down on your bed and take a deep breath to take in the familiar scents and sounds you take for granted any other day..i still have that feeling. and its been ten days since i have returned. needless to say, it was a long trip.
but it was great. i learned a lot. i experienced a lot. and i laughed a lot. (big surprise).
the trip consisted of eight days.
26th: flew in to Missouri, stayed til the 28th for my cousins military graduation
29th: flew to Tennessee, stayed til the 2nd to visit my friend Brett and his married best friends (Joe & Megan) in Kentucky.
five planes in a week. a lot of transferring. a lot of peanuts. a lot of reading. a lot of ipod. and a lot of beauty in the clouds while flying 30,000 feet above reality.
M I S S O U R I
my aunt pat feeling overjoyed from seeing her grandson after six months.
the arch it st.louis! it's so tall. like 630 feet.
the view is spectacular from the top, but the ride to the top is super shady.
it's a little cart enclosed by concrete walls sliding up an arc..scary.
my grandma and i being cute in st.louis.
this little boy that sat in front of me during my cousin's ceremony. i'm creepy and take pictures of cute little kids.
NAIDA. this amazing lady drove an hour from her house in missouri to
come have dinner with me by my hotel. we had a lovely dinner at the
cracker barrel (SO southern by the way).
my grandma and her sister getting pretty toasted off of their margaritas on our last night in missouri. OH AND SIDE NOTE: las palmas (where this picture was taken) is the greatest mexican food place. possibly of all time. and i don't even like mexican food that much. so good.
T E N N E S S E E
brett and myself in a field down the road from joe & megan's house.
we woke up at sunrise to so i could take pictures :)
i liked this one.
me being awkward.
megan and joe being in love.
megan and i getting ready to club it up in Nashville.
SO much fun.
what i learned:
the south is super cheap.
southern accents are darling. and i secretly wish that i had one.
i have no interest in living in a house that is 30 miles from a store.
and it feels really awesome to be loved by people you just met.
thanks for reading.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
no woman, no cry.
i am still not up to writing a blog about my trip.
but i can assure you it's coming soon.
however, i will tell you that there is nothing in the world like listening to bob marley in the car when you're alone. his music does not replace my favorite artists, it's just different. i feel at peace when i listen to his words. and i know he did too when he played them. i love that. i am aware that much of his peace came from exponential amounts of weed. but my peace comes from God. and its beautiful. my soul is nourished by this man's music, and it reminds of the peace we're striving for and the peace that's been given freely to us. how cool is that? so cool.
but it gets cooler.
He had this idea. It was kind of a virologist idea. He believed that you could cure racism and hate... literally cure it, by injecting music and love into people's lives. When he was scheduled to perform at a peace rally, a gunman came to his house and shot him down. Two days later he walked out on that stage and sang. When they asked him why - He said, "The people, who were trying to make this world worse... are not taking a day off. How can I? Light up the darkness."
he understood.
and i want to.
so i'll keep listening.
but i can assure you it's coming soon.
however, i will tell you that there is nothing in the world like listening to bob marley in the car when you're alone. his music does not replace my favorite artists, it's just different. i feel at peace when i listen to his words. and i know he did too when he played them. i love that. i am aware that much of his peace came from exponential amounts of weed. but my peace comes from God. and its beautiful. my soul is nourished by this man's music, and it reminds of the peace we're striving for and the peace that's been given freely to us. how cool is that? so cool.
but it gets cooler.
He had this idea. It was kind of a virologist idea. He believed that you could cure racism and hate... literally cure it, by injecting music and love into people's lives. When he was scheduled to perform at a peace rally, a gunman came to his house and shot him down. Two days later he walked out on that stage and sang. When they asked him why - He said, "The people, who were trying to make this world worse... are not taking a day off. How can I? Light up the darkness."
he understood.
and i want to.
so i'll keep listening.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
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